when i was small-er

Have u ever experienced this: loving someone so much and u try so hard to tell them that u love them, but u just can’t say it out?

I’m experiencing it rite now…

I love my grandparents so much!!! But I just dunno how to say it out. Tak kan I say “ngo ngoi lei” (I love u in Cantonese) rite…? Its gonna turn out so wrong…

I was taken care of by both my grandparents when I was born. Mom and Dad had to work. Mom only stopped work when charmaine came along, but then she was bz caring for her, so I still stuck to my grand dudes. Popo used to be the bad guy… I mean woman… in my childhood days. She’d put me on the potty as punishment (she calls it ‘dun’) for doing something wrong, and I’ll cry until my granddad comes to sayang me. I call him datuk, and I still do. We (his grandkids) couldn’t pronounce goong goong last time, so we gave him this glamorous title. My other cousins from my mom’s side were taken care of by their parents, so I was the only grand kid that datuk can spoil =p

Those days weren’t very sweet for a growing child who had minimal parental love (maybe I did have a lot of it but I didn’t feel it). The TV was my best friend. Sesame Street thought me English. I drew Barney on the wall and got sent to my potty again. I played with the kids upstairs and I made them get scolded by their huge mom. I used to pick up saga seeds down at the lawn and played masak-masak with it. I used to eat Milo powder cuz I was too lazy to fix myself a Milo drink. We balanced on yellow poles to see who stays on longest. I lost everytime cuz my feet were small… until datuk comes to help me cheat.

I grew up in this flat unit since I was a baby till end of primary school. Popo and datuk thought me billions of things: never to be late, never to lie, not to sit too near to the tv, to respect the elderly, smoking is bad (datuk let me take a puff to prove it sucks), to be nice to my friends, how to boil rice, to pick up after my own mess, etc.

I would run for cover when popo comes home from her daily mah jong game. A monster appears if she lost. She changed a lot after she accepted Christ. And I’m so happy for her. Datuk remains the same b4 and after baptism. He continues to be very loving but still smokes a lot. Guess he can’t stop it d… I breathed in smoke like breathing in normal air. That’s how I got my asthma issue. Anyhow, I still love them both.

Mid of last year, I got a call from home. Popo was admitted to the hospital cuz she had stroke. I almost fainted. It was such a nasty feeling… knowing that ur loved one is not well and u cant do anything about it cuz u’re so far away. I was so worried I couldn’t sleep one nite.

So now that I’m back, and popo is slowly recovering, I’m spending my time with them as I reminisce on my childhood days, when popo would boil my favorite ginseng chicken soup when I was suspected with dengue. And when I was in college, she would boil black pepper pig’s stomach soup when I come back from nilai (that’s not my fav but she thought it was, so I jz drank it).

Datuk used to have this mini bengkel at the corner of the balcony where he kept all his tools. He’s the handy man in the family. He fixed countless machines, made me cool stuff with wood and he even can do girlie stuff like sew “5 stones” for me. Datuk used to drive me to kindergarten in his Austin and I’d be so embarrassed getting down from his old junk. Now I think it’s a family treasure.

I love my grandparents, and it’s so obvious they love me as well. They didn’t have to tell me that, but I just know it. So I guess I wont hv to tell them after all =)

popo's morning tai chi session. i tried waking up at 6 to go out with her that morning but failed... i ended up going out with datuk and jz took some pix, hahha...

i've not gone to this market for 10-ish years d!!! ntg much changed. roti bakar and milo still rox!

the front bike porch where old men would sit there in the evening playing chess and would swear out loud in hokkien and cantonese. last time when there were less bikes, i'd play with my friends where we'd walk on those greyish metal things from each pink brick-seat to another. not easy...